The true love quest

I was in the park feeding ducks with my two and a half year old. My son loves animals. He can spend hours on end chasing after strange dogs or just staring at goats at our local farm. ......

I started writing this post three and half years ago, I never could complete it then. Three and half years later the above stands true. My son still loves animals, he has managed to extend his love to a few more strange species along the way. He will spend time in awe of the any new animal he encounters in real life or online. He will take time to know their names,habits and how they reproduce. He will draw them,he will research them. This is a self directed activity, no one prompts him to learn or take time to know these animals. He recently stood firm in an argument with his sister. "no" he cried, "seals do not lay eggs". He has many similar discussions with his siblings and he will steadfastly correct them when he feels any of his beloved friends are not being well represented.

Now to me that is true love. This blog post has been in draft for almost five years now. An yet the above is still true, my son now has a collection of animals from A to Z. I have learnt so much about unconditional love from my son because of his love for animals. Recently he was schooling me on the Needlefish, it is not the most good looking of all fishes but he adores it. He sees beauty in these odd looking fish.

I hope I can say to my loved ones, I love you like my son loves a Needlefish!

The true love quest

I was in the park feeding ducks with my two and a half year old. My son loves animals. He can spend hours on end chasing after strange dogs or just staring at goats at our local farm. ......

I started writing this post three and half years ago, I never could complete it then. Three and half years later the above stands true. My son still loves animals, he has managed to extend his love to a few more strange species along the way. He will spend time in awe of the any new animal he encounters in real life or online. He will take time to know their names,habits and how they reproduce. He will draw them,he will research them. This is a self directed activity no one prompts him to learn or take time to know these animals. He recently stood firm in an argument with his sister. "no" he cried, "seals do not lay eggs". He has many similar discussions with his siblings and he will steadfastly correct them when he feels any of his beloved friends are not being well represented.

Now to me that is true love. This blog post has been in draft for almost five years now. An yet the above is still true, my son now has a collection of animals from A to Z. I have learnt so much about unconditional love from my son because of his love for animals. Recently he was schooling me on the Needlefish, it is not the most good looking of all fishes but he adores it. He sees beauty in these odd looking fish.

I hope I can say to my loved ones, I love you like my son loves a Needlefish!

On Anger

You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.- Maya Angelou

I went to bed upset last night. I woke up quite annoyed and as the day progressed I became angry. I am still trying to figure out who or what I will be deflecting this episode of anger on. In the past when I have felt this way, I stewed in it, I wallowed in it, I nursed it and reared it to fine thoroughbred bitterness. I am seeing a pattern here, and today before I start to stew my anger on a very low heat, I will write about it.

I have not been writing of late because life has been happening and when life happens at times, my writing voice is silenced. I hunted my blog spot today because I was angry.

I wanted to pummel my keyboard, I wanted to spew this venom before it settles and sips into my veins. The toxicity of bitterness is life threatening. I will not deliberately infect myself today. I know why I am angry. I am angry because I am walking a familiar road, travelling to a destination I know very well. I know all the landscapes and landmarks, I know the nostalgia at the beginning of the journey, the butterflies at the pit of my stomach at the first pit stop The anxiety right and the end and the pain when the road has led to no where. I know this journey very well. 

So why am I angry you ask. I am angry because my foot is on the base step of this bus to no where. I know, because as much as I am angry the nostalgia and curiosity is creeping in. I am intrigued, I want to embark on this journey. I am saying maybe just maybe this time this road has a secret door. A secret door that is opened by many hopeless journeys, by many trips that end in pain. Just maybe, just maybe. I do not want to go on this journey but I don't know how to do so. I am angry at myself for being weak and pathetic. 

I am still angry, but today I will not stew in my anger. I will write about it, I will shame bitterness by not festering in my anger. Today I will do things differently, I will let the bus and my anger go.

Life| My Car, My Vehicle for Meditation

I commute to work everyday, the commute on average takes me 1 and a half hours going and the same coming back. Initially I found myself  trying to fill and pass the time. To be honest these commutes were tedious and I found myself bored. I mean there is so much music one can listen to. I would then use this time to catch up at times on senseless gossip.

After a while of rotating music, gossip, eating in my car and cussing at annoying rush hour traffic I found myself dreading the commute. I could not figure out why to start of with. Recently my in- car audio malfunctioned and I had to drive in silence. The first 30 minutes of my journey were so conflicted. I had to listen to myself think. Some of the thoughts were ridiculous, made no sense and to be honest a bit disturbing. I realised it was probably this thought process I was unconsciously trying to dull down by all the other activities I undertook in my car. My commute that day was difficult because between me and my thoughts was a very quiet space a very empty space. This space is usually filled with rubbish non inspirational music and senseless utterances, but still this space/void is  usually filled.

Life| Not defined by my Hair!

Hi Guys Guess who is back..... Me! yaay.

I took a sabbatical for a while. This was not because I did not have anything to say, quite the contrary, I had bucket loads but I was not centred. You see I love to write I think it is the best outlet, however I did not want my posts to sound like a rambling fool.I needed to be grounded, to be focused and then truly continue with one of my passions - communicating through my blog posts.

So where to begin- lets work from now going backwards and sometimes forwards. I want us to start from now. Why? you would ask.  Well because today is a very good day. I let go, I did something spontaneous. I chopped my hair off! To some of you probably it is not a big deal. For me it is huge, you see I struggle with control issues. My life is run by schedules,plans diaries and forward planning, I have to after all I lead a very busy life (excuses). Yes I cannot let go so chopping my hair was huge. I woke up and after a 5minute discussion with my daughter I made an appointment with our family barber for the big chop. 

RELATIONSHIPS| Subsitution

(Photo cred: Ivars)

I was driving along today when I heard a golden oldie which got me humming. The words kind of set me aback. The lyrics say something like I will be your substitute whenever you need me and if she (your actual girlfriend I am assuming ) does not come back etc. I started thinking of all the times I have sat and chatted with some of my girlfriends about playing second best.

FRIENDSHIP| New Year, Old Friends

I had a very interesting conversation with a colleague this afternoon. He had been through a very rough patch and was calling to tell me some good news. I thought about him quite often but never actually picked the phone to ask how he was.

I made excuses all the time to not call and the classic one was I am not that close to him. I was actually taken aback today when he rang to tell me that things were actually looking up for him. He was very up beat and thanked me for being a pall. I was very embarrassed to say the least. I never actually did anything to warrant him to call me and thank me for being a pall.

This year I intend to check regularly on my friends and keep in touch with colleagues